What if your spouse handed you a tiny, white bean? What if he/she said, “Swallow this magic bean and it will save our marriage”? What if you swallowed the magic bean, but nothing happened. Where was the marriage magic?
It’s not easy to try to save your marriage. If all the people in troubled marriages could swallow a magic bean, divorces would become extinct.
Did you know the most difficult thing to do is acknowledging your part in marital strife and assuming responsibility for your portion in originating the problems?
Do you want to heal your marriage?
How can I Save my Marriage Myself?
What do you think the person said to his/her spouse when the magic bean failed to manifest happily ever after?
It’s human nature to blame your spouse for everything that goes wrong in the marriage. Blame feels right! Somebody needs to be held accountable and it’s not going to be you!
It seems to soothe our self-esteem to reflect on his/her character, maturity or personal style rather than taking responsibility for our own actions.
Don’t let yourself get caught in the never-ending circle of blame. You will find yourself slipping into blame when you start making “you” statements instead of “I”.
“You are stupid to believe in magic beans.”
“You broke your promise and the marriage is still broken.”
“You were mean to play that dumb practical joke.”
Instead of blaming your partner, you can’t go wrong by describing your personal experiences.
“I feel disappointed…”
“I feel disrespected…”
“I expected something else…”
Enough about magic beans.
The important thing to remember from our imaginary exercise is that although blaming the other person can give you a self-righteous glow, it can’t help you negotiate your problems.
Unless you’re clairvoyant, you cannot articulate your spouse’s point of view. Instead, you are falling back on the familiar bad/mad blame game. (“He is always totally selfish.” “She is totally irrational.”)
Another reason we resort to blame is feeling helpless. You realize you didn’t cause the problem, but instead of identifying a conflict, you choose to blame it on your partner.
Would you rather be right or be happy? You can open a new vista of possibilities by admitting when you were wrong.
How Can I Save my Marriage Myself ?
By making positive changes:
When you stop pointing fingers and making accusations you will experience a positive energy shift. As you begin your journey to self-improvement you will naturally initiate positive changes.
When your spouse begins to observe your enhanced self-worth, it acts as an impetus for him to make healthy changes. The important thing to remember is that you can change yourself but you can’t change your partner.
As you break negative habit patterns, such as complaining and blaming, chances are he/she will respect your new thought and positive influence. Don’t be surprised if your spouse begins following in your footsteps.
What you are doing, perhaps without knowing it, is creating a win/win environment. You’re learning to stop and take a cleansing breath before expressing hostility. You’re starting to realize that if you scream and blame, you’re wasting valuable time being frustrated.
It’s all about reacting immediately to what your partner did or said. Instead take a few seconds to be silent. Ask yourself, how did what he/she did or said affect me? Try to identify your feelings. Am I angry, insulted, hurt, betrayed?
You can’t respond if you don’t understand how you feel. Instead of reacting from anger or fear, tell your spouse exactly how you feel. Maybe this won’t work for the first six or five times.
That’s O.K.! Your marriage didn’t deteriorate magaically. When you are the only one working on saving your marriage, you only need to believe you can do it.
Here is a helper tool: After a confrontation that ended unsatisfactorily, take some quiet time alone. Write out the event exactly as you remember it happening.
Now, close your eyes and let the event unfold in your mind but with a better resolution. Afterwards, write out any insights about what you could have said/done differently to create a happier ending.
How can I save my Marriage Myself Quickly?
Kill them with kindness.
Aren’t universal truths wonderful? They are wonderful because they work! Countless scientific studies have shown that couples who are kind to each other stay together.
You’re learning to communicate better. Taking the blame out of communication leaves a void. One of the best ways to save your marriage by yourself is to fill that gap with kindness.